Just The Beginning
by IHeartEru
Summary: My ideal view of the story of Matt and Mello... I'm rating it M because I'm worried about rating it too low. There's a bit of YAOI, but there should be more in the sequel... COMPLETED
1. First Meeting

**Chapter 1: First Meeting**

A ten year old Mello strutted along the corridor, in the direction of the main hall of Wammy's, the orphanage where he, along with about twenty other children, lived. As Mello walked he cracked his knuckles, he smelled new kids, and as soon as Roger was finished giving them the grand tour, Mello planned on properly informing them of how things worked at Wammy's. Even though Mello wasn't the oldest at Wammy's, he was the self declared "head" of the orphanage, and of course, everyone was too scared of being beaten up to object. Before fully entering the main hall, Mello examined the new meat from around the corner.

'Only one of 'em this time,' he thought, 'and what a weird looking one at that. What the fuck is with that hair?'

Melllo walked fully into the main hall, and spoke sweetly to Roger, "Excuse me, Sir, I know how busy you are, so if you'd like, I could always show the new kid to his room."

"Ah, Mello, yes, that would be most helpful. Allow me to introduce our newest addition: Matt. Actually, as chance would have it, Matt is to be your new roommate Mello. Do be so kind as to show him around." replied Roger, he then bustled off to office to sort out the extensive paperwork that entailed running an orphanage.

'Fuck', thought Mello, 'I thought I'd secured a room to myself for as long as I stayed in this this shit-hole. No matter, he'll soon be begging to change rooms, just like all the others.'

The new kid cleared his throat and introduced himself once again. "Ahem. Hi, my name is Matt, I hope we can be friends." And with that, Matt gave Mello a winning smile and stuck out his hand to be shaken. Slowly Mello turned to face him, putting on his best "scare the living daylights out of the new kid" face. He grabbed Matt by the scruff of the neck and lifted him off the floor.

"Listen shit-face, and listen well, because I wont be saying this again. I am the head guy round here and I'm _nobody's_ friend. And unless you want your face smashed in, I suggest you ask to be put into a different room."

"Must get pretty lonely." replied Matt, trying his best not to sound as terrified as he was.

"What?"

"I said, it must get pretty lonely. B-being nobody's friend and all..."

"Who the fuck do you think you-" Mello was interrupted mid-rant by a small albino child named Near crawling into the room.

"Now, now Mello. Shouldn't you at least wait a week before torturing the new kids?" The small child was a year younger than Mello, but he had pure white hair and dark eyes that held almost no emotion.

Mello had turned towards his arch-enemy and loosed his grip on Matt's collar. Matt took advantage of the situation and ran as fast as he could to the nearest exit. Mello, hardly noticing the runaway because of his blind rage towards Near, started toward the child now sitting on the floor playing calmly with his toy robot. Near was the only one Mello didn't scare, and that, along with many other things, pissed the hell out of Mello.

"I dare say Roger would be most displeased with you Mello."

"Like I give a rat's ass about what Roger thinks, the crazy old pedo!" snapped Mello.

"Ah, but I think you do, for if Roger thinks ill of you, where will you get your chocolate from, Mello?" On that, the albino child gave a small titter and crawled out.

'I learned where Roger kept the chocolate supplies three years ago, you creepy assed freak.' thought Mello, as looked around to see if his prey was still nearby. 'Aw, crap, that freakin' Pyjama Boy made me lose my new punch bag.' Mello then took out a bar of chocolate, and with a snap, broke off a piece. Chewing thoughtfully, he decided he would find some of the smaller kids to amuse himself with until dinner time.

.oOo.

When Mello slammed open the doors to the dining room, all went silent.

'Good,' he thought, as he walked to his rightful place at the front of the food queue, 'at least I sttil scare the crap out of all the other kids.' He got his food and sat in his usual place on his own at the back of the room. Soon, a shadow fell over Mello's plate, and he looked up to see a red-head in a striped top. The blonde scowled his best scowl and said:

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, you fucking raccoon?"

"Is this seat taken?" asked Matt as he down opposite Mello. A disgusted look of shock crossed Mello's features as Matt took out a GameBoy and proceeded to play Super Mario Bros. The blonde scraped his chair back as loudly as possible, walked round to the opposite side of the table and proceeded to drag the red-head, chair and all, out of the dining room.

"Huh? What? Hey! What are you doing? I hadn't even started eating yet!" protested Matt as he was flung into the corridor with as much strength as Mello could muster.

"Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough when we first met. So, just for you, I'll say it again. YOU DO NOT COME NEAR ME UNLESS YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE!!!!! You got that, you fucktard?" screamed Mello

"Aww, but you just looked so lonely all by yourself at the back there." cooed Matt.

"You queer or something?"

What? NO!! I just...you know, wanted to be friends. And don't give that crap about how you "don't do friends", 'cause, honestly, I that's bull!"

Mello tensed, and both his hands curled into tight fists. His was rising but for some reason he wasn't taking it out on the nearest living thing, like he usually did. Instead he was attempting to control his anger, something about the red-head in front him made him want to calm down. Mello growled suddenly and stormed off to his room, deciding that a few hours of studying would help him think.

.oOo.

When Matt opened the door to his new room for the first time he saw two single beds that had been pushed together previously by Mello to form one double ('He obviously likes to spread himself out.' thought Matt), two desks (once again they had been pushed together), and at one of the desks he saw a blonde, snoring slightly, with his his head on his arms. Matt smiled at the sight and then started to get ready for bed. He considered pulling the beds apart, but he was afraid he would wake his roommate with the noise. He also considered carrying Mello to his own bed, but he didn't particularly want to be called queer again. So with that thought he promptly fell on one of the beds exhausted from the days trials

.oOo.

Mello woke up in the middle of the night and realised that he was still sitting at his desk. He slowly got up, feeling extremely tired and disorientated, and walked to his "double" bed. He crawled in and fell back asleep almost immediately.

.oOo.

Matt awoke and slowly opened his eyes to an odd view: a blonde girl sleeping soundly beside him...

'Oh, crap. That's not a girl! That's Mello!', thought Matt. 'I better get out of this bed before wakes up because I really don't wanna get beaten up...'

Too late. Mello woke up and stretched out his arms but instead of his hands feeling nothing but the other side of the bed he felt something...alive. The blonde's eyes snapped open and were met with an extremely unwanted sight. Mello jumped out of bed and glared at Matt.

"What the fuck are you doing in MY bed?!"

"It's not YOUR bed anymore! And for your information, _you_ were the one who got into to bed with _me_!" Mello backtracked, no one, apart from Near, had ever dared to talk back to him. Not even Roger.

"Aren't you scared of me?" asked Mello. He needed to know how the strange red-head was so casual with him.

"Not particularly.', lied Matt, trying his best to appear nonchalant. "Your pretty skinny and you look kinda like a girl." Matt closed his eyes and flinched, he didn't know that had made him say that, and now he regretted it.

Instead of clenching his fists in anger, Mello did something that surprised both boys. He laughed. And once he had stopped laughing he walked over to Matt and looked at him closely. Matt, who was (understandably) freaked out at this point, took a step back when Mello came closer.

"No one's ever spoken to me like that. It was an interesting experience...I think that maybe, just maybe, I'll let you be my friend. But make me look like a pussy in front of anyone, ANYONE, and I swear to God I will beat your ass up so hard you'll wish you were never born!!"

Then, Mello smirked and stuck out his hand. He didn't know why he hadn't just beaten up the red-head like he would have usually, but _usually_ people ran away when they saw him coming. There was something different about the boy opposite him, and Mello was curious.

Matt tentatively took the hand that Mello offered and shook it. Matt had always been good at making friends, it was just a matter of pressing the right buttons. He smiled back at Mello, who then cleared his throat and announced that even though they were friends, they would _definitely_ not be sleeping in the same bed. So the two boys pulled the beds apart and did the same for the desks.

.oOo.

Later that day Matt was walking alone up to his room after lunch (Mello had left earlier, saying something about wanting to study). He heard his name being called behind him and he turned to see a girl about his age running to catch up with him.

"Hi, you're Matt, right? My name is Linda. You new here, yeah?" Matt nodded with a smile; the girl was pretty cute and Matt didn't mind talking to her. "So, I saw you sitting with Mello, you're his roommate, right? A word of advice: stay away from him. He has a bad rep around here, and if you hang around with him, you're only gonna get hurt."

Matt smiled again at the girl, although this time the smile wasn't as genuine.

"I think I'll be fine." And with that he turned and walked up to his room, leaving the girl gawping behind him.

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**HIYA!!!!**

**Thankies for reading my first chapter XD**

**I'm completely new here so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right...**

**PLEASE!!!! review!!!! I'm desperate for feedback (literally, I forced my older brother to be my beta reader...lol)**

**even if you dont long leave a long review, will someone tell me if I put the right rating??**

**anyways, thanks again for reading, I've already written the second chapter and some of the third but I might not post it for a while...**

**LUV Jinx xox**


	2. Excursions and Broom Closets

**A/N: So, first I'll start by saying a disclaimer... I don't own Death Note, Matt or Mello (excuse me while I sob into my pillow).**

**I forgot to say that this whole story is dedicated to my girlfriend, cuz I love her (and also because she's as much of a MattXMello fangirl as I am)**

**and because this person gave me a really awesome review I dedicate this chapter to: ChocoAndCigs**

**Chapter 2: Excursions and Broom Closets**

**5 years later...**

Mello's POV

I snuck downstairs to the Wammy kitchens in my usual sneaking get up: black polar neck, black combats, with black gloves (for fingerprints) and a black balaclava (to insure no stray blonde hairs would be found). I found the right cupboard with ease and started filling my black (just for a bit of variety) duffel bag with enough chocolate to last a normal person a month. But I wasn't a normal person, it would last me a week, _maybe_ two if I laid off a bit (hah, like that was gonna happen).

I turned around and made my way back to my room. I heard something...a footstep. I stopped, impossible. There was only one person who could sneak up on me and I always made sure he was asleep before I went on my chocolate raiding excursions.. Not that he would ever give me away, this was just something I liked to do alone...

"Matt, why are you following me?" I asked the red-head that I knew was behind me.

"Ah crap, I was sure you wouldn't notice me. How did you know it was me?" he relied, in his usual casual drawl.

"Matt, there's only one person here potentially capable of being sneaky enough to fool me, not that you ever _really_ could, obviously. And anyway don't you think I would have realised something was up when I saw you weren't in the room?" This was why he was third, he never thought things through enough.

"True, but I got curious. After five years a guy can't help but wonder where his best friend goes at night every couple of weeks, dressed in full burglar gear..." He smiled one of his I'm-so-cute-you-have-to-love-me smiles. Hmmf, he thought he got scott-free when he gave me those smiles, but little did he know that I had kept a diary since the day we became friends, recording everything and and anything he had done wrong, just so I could use it against him on day...

Matt's POV

He led the way back to our room, I followed. That's the way it's always been, ever since I got here. And I wouldn't change it for the world. Suddenly Mello stopped and his ears pricked up (not really, he isn't a dog). He whispered:

"I heard someone coming. Make a noise and I'll punch your lights out." He dragged me into what I thought was the nearest classroom.

Nope. It was a broom closet. And it was so completely dark that I couldn't see my hand in front of my face...But I could hear Mello's steady, quiet breathing. I was so close that I could smell his sweet chocolatey scent, I could even smell the shampoo he used (chocolate scented shampoo, in case you were wondering, typical). My breathing started to get slightly ragged so I bit my lip, in case he heard me, Christ, this was torture. And heaven.

Perhaps I should explain. Mello was my roommate and, well, I wouldn't say _he_ was _my_ only friend, I'm well liked round here, but due to Mello's bad rep, _I_ was _his_ only friend. Not that I minded, that meant I got him all to myself. You see, I had been in love with Mello since, oh lemme see...puberty. It was everything about him. His walk, his talk. Just the way he was made him so sexy to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not gay, I can appreciate the woman's form as well as the next guy. But for me it had always been Mello. Always had been, always would be as far as I was concerned.

I swallowed and kept my lips sealed tightly shut, but my eyes wide open. I knew if I closed them the dreams I had every night of Mello would come back to haunt me. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Mello spoke:

"Alright. Whoever was out there should be gone by now." He peeked he blonde head out the door and whispered back at me. "Yup, coast is clear."

We walked back to out room, thankfully without getting caught. I breathed a sigh of relief to be back in my room, but I knew I was in for a rough night.

.oOo.

I was lying face down on my bed when I felt soft hands slowly caressing my back and hot breath tickling the back of my neck.

"Hmm, Mello? Is that you? What are you doing? It's the middle of the fucking night." I said, trying my hardest to keep the lust out of my voice. He was playing with me, messing with my head. It was a usual Mello thing to do, although this was a new one.

"Shut the fuck up Matty, I'll have you whenever I goddamn feel like it." His strong arms flipped me over so I was now lying on my back. His head dipped down and I felt his wet, hot, tongue slowly works its way up from my navel to my left nipple.

"Ah!" I gasped in surprise, my breath coming out in a mist. Mello chuckled, and his hands, that had been previously pinning mine to the bed, made their way down and soon his soft, light fingers grazed the length of my rod. My back arched and I groaned from the simplest of touches. Mello chuckled once more and said:

"Well, well. If you react that much to me simply touching, I wonder what'll happen if I do this..." Then his mouth left my upper body and travelled to where his hands were. As soon as his mouth touched me I thought I would die. I gripped the pillow and clenched my teeth.

"A-aah, M-Mello, you-you're so sadistic. S-stop!" But my pleading just spurred him on as he licked, nipped and suckled. At last he stopped, and I thought my torture had finally ended. And then I felt something hard at my entrance and my eyes widened, but before I could protest Mello thrust in and my mind went blank.

.oOo.

The next time I opened my eyes, it was morning. The pyjama bottoms I always wear felt slightly damp and I blushed at the memory of last nights dream. You know you have low self-esteem when you're uke in your own fantasies. I got out of bed and hoped for my dignity's sake that Mello was already at breakfast. I walked to bathroom and of course that was the moment the blonde beauty had to choose to walk out of our shared bathroom. Half-naked with only a towel covering himself he shook his long hair, like a dog trying to dry himself. This picture did _not_ help my already slightly aroused state.

"Kay, Matt, bathroom's all yours...er, rough night?" He smirked and his eyes flicked down. I blushed as red as my hair and tried my best to cover the tent I was pitching with my hands. He stepped out of the way as I rushed into the bathroom and turned the shower knob to the cold setting.

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**A/N: Sorry for the shortness, I have to work on getting them longer...**

**Erm yeh, so hope you liked the chapter...and REVIEW!!!!!! **

**LURVE Jinx xox  
**


	3. Incidents at Breakfast

**A/N: Hiya!! thanks so much for all the reviews! You guys are amazing XD This chapter is dedicated to the reviewer: CrimzonRozeAlchemist**** because they gave the best review, and actually gave me some constructive criticism which I'm always thankful for! XD Enough of my blabbering, on with the chapter!**

**Chapter 3: Incidents at Breakfast**

Mello's POV

I walked down to breakfast with my usual strut (can you blame me? With this sexy ass it's difficult not to be overconfident). I was sneering, as usual, only this time I actually had a reason. Matt was being weird (well, weirder than normal anyway (, and it was pissing me off. Matt was good at keeping secrets, but usually he told me everything. Okay, not _everything_, I wouldn't wanna _know_ everything. I was so deep in my thoughts that I almost didn't notice the blinding white sensation that was crawling towards me (I say almost because it's physically impossible to miss him).

"Hello Mello." His pale lips turned upwards in that arrogant little smirk he always wore. My nose did that twitchy thing it does when I get pissed off (usually just when that freakin' albino kid was around).

"Go back to the farm you little fucking sheep!" Once, just once, I'd love to get a reaction from him. But no, his eyes stayed as impassive as ever.

"Mello, you seem more irritable than normal. Is something wrong?" Just that little sentence got my heart beating faster than normal. Who the fuck did he think he was? Acting all snooty like that, having the nerve to ask what was wrong! My hands were clenched and my nails were starting to dig into the palms of my hands. I took a step towards the little pyjama-wearing freak. Only one good way of relieving stress, and that, I thought, is wailing on Near. I took another step towards him and picked him up by the scruff of the neck. The other kids just walked on by, they were smart enough to know not to interfere. I couldn't help but smile a little when I delivered the first punch. To me, the most beautiful thing in the world is the sound of Near's jaw cracking against my fist. As usual his face showed no signs of hurt, but he did let out a small whimper. Good, I though, as my grin got even bigger, a whimper is more than I usually get.

As I pulled my hand back for another I heard a familiar voice call my name.

"Come on Mells. Pancakes are gettin' cold." Matt walked past me, slouching and scuffing his feet as usual.

"Yeah, yeah. Hang on a sec, lemme just finish this." I pretended not to notice as he rolled his eyes at me. I gave Near a second, harder, punch and let him drop to the floor. I paused, then gave him a kick for good measure and left him there to join Matt in the dining area.

Matt's POV

I sat down at our usual spot and he joined me a few seconds later. I gave Mello his portion of pancakes and watched, amusedly, as he emptied half a bottle of chocolate sauce over them. Mello saw me looking and said:

"What? You can hardly expect me to eat them bare." One of my eyebrows arched and I twisted my lips into a smile that I knew would annoy him.

"Me? I didn't say anything. Not a word." I thoroughly enjoyed how I was the only person in Wammy's who could talk back to Mello without receiving a black eye for my trouble. He looked pissed off for a moment but then decided that his pancakes were a more pressing matter than my insolence.

"Hey, Matt..." he said, his mouth full of food.

"Gah, Mello! You're not a washing machine. Don't talk with food in your mouth!" I interrupted quickly, before I got a chocolate and pancake shower.

"Sorry." He swallowed, then continued. "Are you ok? Lately you seem...I dunno...distracted? I mean, you didn't even _try_ to defend Near back in the hallway..." I looked down at my untouched food and shrugged. Mello had an uncanny ability to tell if someone was lying by looking in their eyes. "And last night-" I froze. He couldn't possibly know, could? "-last night you were moaning in you sleep." He leaned closer to me, in order to whisper. I swallowed. "Was it..._that_ dream? With your parents?" I sighed inwardly and nodded a quick yes. I hated lying to Mello, but the truth was way, _way_ too awkward to handle.

We continued the rest of our meal in our normal way: Mello making snide comments about Near, teachers and the most recent tests. Me agreeing mostly with the occasional input of "No, I'm sure the school isn't secretly plotting against you and giving Near easier questions." and "Yes, Near does look silly in his pyjamas, but that's what he always wears."

Eventually it was time for class. Seeing as Wammy's has a very small number of students the classes are usually split via age and/or rank. So naturally me, Mello and Near were in the top class, along with a few other students besides us. Mello led the way to the back of our advanced criminal psychology class. Even though there were plenty of seats closer to the front, that was where Near sat, ergo, me and Mello sat as far away as possible from him. As we got settled a female voice giggled beside me and I looked up to see Linda, a fellow genius, standing next to my seat.

"Hiya Matt. How's your morning been so far? Did you do the homework? Wasn't it easy?" She smiled down at me and I returned the gesture. I liked Linda, she was nice and easy to talk to. Of course, Mello didn't like her. I liked to think he didn't like her because she distracted my attention away from him. But then again, Mello didn't like anyone.

"Yeah, alright. Homework was pretty easy, but I wouldn't have done it if Mello hadn't made me." She giggled and touched my arm lightly. Flirting, I thought, but I couldn't blame her, I was flirting too.

"Geez Matt. You're such a rebel. Hey, I'm having a little get together in my room friday after class. You should come along, it'll be fun." Mello started stabbing the table with a pair of scissors.

"Ah, I dunno, I mean, we have that russian test first thing Monday..." I wasn't too keen on going (Mello wouldn't want me to), but I didn't really want to hurt her feelings.

"Aw, come on Matt, it wont be any fun without you. You can even bring your friend if you like." She added the last bit pretty half-heartedly. I think that's what made Mello snap.

"I WOULDN'T WANNA COME TO YOUR STUPID LITTLE FUCKING PARTY EVEN IF YOU _FUCKING_ PAID ME!!" I think Mello is probably one of the scariest people I know, and it didn't help that he was pointing a pair of extremely sharp scissors in Linda's direction. We should've been used to Mello's outbursts by now, but they happened so suddenly that everyone always got a bit of a shock, including me.

"Jesus christ, Mells. Calm down."

"CALM DOWN? _CALM DOWN??!!_ I AM FUCKING CALM!!" Of course, that exact moment had to be the moment when our teacher came in.

"Mello! What in the name of Satan's armpit do you think you're doing? Either sit down or leave immediately!" I think the teachers here all have to have special training, so they can deal with us freaky genius kids. At least this one seems to be handling things better than the last one (who had a bit of a mental breakdown when Mello started beating Near up for answering a question before him).

"I _AM_ LEAVING!!" And with that Mello picked up his chair, smashed it on the ground and stormed out. I mumbled an apology to the teacher and used my "I'll make sure he doesn't break anything else" excuse to follow Mello.

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**A/N: Hi again XD did ya like it???**

**I'm going away for a couple of weeks so I wont be posting for awhile, but dont worry, I'll still be writing and improving so I can post as soon as I get back XD**


	4. Cut Hearts, Bleeding Knuckles

**A/N: Heya! well, It's been a while, sorry! but I was away!! anyway, hope you enjoy....**

**btw, this chapter is dedicated to both CrimzonRozeAlchemist**** (yes, again, but I really liked your review :P) and Ms. Bloody Death**

**Chapter 4: Cut Hearts, Bleeding Knuckles**

Matt's POV

I ran to catch up with Mello, who was walking fast-paced up the corridor towards our room. I caught up with him and walked silently beside him, there isn't much you can say to Mello when he's like this. His fists were clenched and I could tell that his whole body was tense. After walking in silence for about five minutes, Mello surprised me by speaking:

"You can go to that shitty party if you want. It's not like I give a fuck about what you do in your spare time." His words cut deep into my heart. He's just angry, that's why he's saying this stuff, I thought, but what he'd said opened up a whole mess of insecurities. It was my deepest, darkest fear that Mello would someday just up and go, without a second thought for me.

"Mells, as if I _would_ go. The only reason I didn't say no outright is because I didn't want to hurt Linda's feelings." By this time we were outside our room. Mello opened the door and walked in slightly. He look back at me with narrowed eyes and said:

"Whatever." He entered the room fully and slammed the door in my face. I took the hint and decided to take a walk around the grounds of Wammy's.

,oOo,

Wammy's is actually this huge mansion in the middle of nowhere near Winchester, England. The nearest town is about and hour by bus ride and the older kids get trips into town once every two weeks. The mansion itself is a Victorian style house with huge grounds surrounded by a forest. There's a large unused barn on the fringe of the grounds behind Wammy's. This was where I was headed. Behind the barn was the place I went to to be alone. No one else came out this far because the barn was allegedly haunted (a rumor made up by me).

I leaned against the wall facing the forest so I was hidden from Wammy's and took out my pack of fags. I lifted one from the pack and lit it. When I took the first drag, all my worries seemed to float away. Distancing themselves from me so it was as if they were happening to someone else. Mello didn't know I smoked and neither did anyone else and I wanted to keep it that way. I knew people would just get on my case and try to get me to quit. I knew smoking was a bad habit and I _knew_ I would most likely die an ugly cancer related death, but honestly, I didn't give a fuck. I'd been smoking since...well probably since I fell in love with Mello and I wasn't planning on giving up anytime soon.

Mello's POV

I leaned against the door and waited until Matt's footsteps died away. Then I turned to the wall beside the door and punched it as hard as I could. My fist made a dull thud against the wall and punched it again and again. Once my knuckles started bleeding I decided I should stop.

I walked to my bed, fell backwards onto it and scowled up at the ceiling. Punching the wall hadn't helped, I was still angry and tense. I wouldn't normally have minded, I get angry a lot, but this time my _reason_ for being angry pissed me off even more. As a rule I don't like girls, they were too giggly and chattery and they all look the same, but Linda _really_ pissed me off. What gave her the right to talk to Matt when I was sitting right beside him. What gave her the right to talk to Matt even when I _wasn't_ beside him! Matt was _mine_. My property to do with whatever I pleased, and contrary to what I'd said earlier, I _did_ care what he did in his spare time. But I knew what words would hurt him most and I'd used them.

I turned to my bedside table and took one of the chocolate bars that lay in a pile in the drawer. I closed my eyes as I chewed and got to work on attempting to push all my scattered emotions into a locked box at the back of my mind (a trick I learned from L, although I could never seem to get the hang of it like the Pyjama Freak could).

One of said emotions thoroughly confused me, I couldn't seem to work out what it was. It wasn't jealousy, thanks to Near I know _exactly_ what that feels like. And it wasn't any type of anger that I knew about (and trust me, I know a lot about anger). I let the unfamiliar emotion fill me with warm fuzziness, but it left an odd emptiness in the pit of my stomach. As I thought about this new sensation, Matt suddenly popped into my mind, or more specifically Matt's smile.

I could feel the corners of my mouth turning upward involuntarily. Matt had the nicest smile...I wish we hadn't fought...maybe I should say sorry...Wait! What?! I never say sorry! I sat bolt upright on my bed. Why the fuck would I suddenly want to say sorry? Matt always knew if I regretted something or not, didn't he? I squeezed my eyes shut, I didn't want to think about this now, I didn't want to think about it _ever_.

Matt's POV

After finishing the pack of cigarettes I slowly made my way back to my room. I knew me and Mello wouldn't talk about why we'd argued, we would just act as if nothing had happened and continue with our lives as per usual. I normally wouldn't have minded, as this way was simpler, but this time I longed to ask him why he'd gotten so upset.

I arrived at the door of my room and before entering took a couple of deep breaths to calm myself. I walked in to see Mello lying on his bed, I sat down on mine and took out my PSP game system. We sat in awkward silence for the time it took me to get to the next level on my game. I decided to take my chances and ask Mello what had been bothering him, I didn't think I would get a straight answer, but any answer would do.

"Hey Mello...About earlier-" Sensing what I was about to ask he interrupted.

"Come on Matt, it's almost time for lunch. We should head down already." He stood up stiffly and I noticed his bloody knuckles. He'd been punching the wall again. He opened the door and walked out, not bothering to wait for me. I sighed and followed him to the dining area.

.oOo.

We sat eating our food while I tried desperately to think of something to say to break the ice. I saw Linda in the corner of my eye and I hoped for her sake that she didn't come over. No such luck, she stood over me, hands in her pockets and said hello. I glanced over at Mello to see his reaction, but he seemed to be trying his best to ignore her.

"Hey, Matt. I was just wondering if you were ok after this morning?" I kept my head down and didn't look at her.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." I mumbled, trying to get her go away, but she persisted.

"Are you sure? You seemed pretty bad..." I didn't point out that it was actually Mello who had been in a bad shape and instead just nodded quickly.

"Fuck off, Linda. No one wants you here." I winced at Mello's words but didn't contradict them. Hopefully Linda would just leave without incident, but surprisingly she replied with so much venom that any other man would have run scared (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned).

"Shut up, _Mello_. I wasn't talking to _you_." I winced again and whispered to Linda out of the corner of my mouth.

"Linda, it's fine, please just go."

"No Matt, it's not fine. He treats you like his slave. He doesn't own you, you know. You have to stand up for yourself every once and awhile!"

"_Please,_ Linda, please just go." I urged, desperate for her to leave before Mello got really angry.

"Hmmf. Fine. I'll go. But just remember that you shouldn't feel obligated to be friends with someone like him, Matt, just because he has no one else." She walked off and I breathed a sigh of relief. I glanced up at Mello and he saw me looking.

"Heh, geez. Some people just can't take a hint. At least she finally fucked off." scoffed Mello. I laughed nervously and agreed. "I'm going up to the room. Follow me when you're done." It was an order, not a request. I smiled softly to myself, at least things were back to normal now.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it...sorry bout the suckiness...**

**the next chapter has loads in it, like, really loads...but I won't give anything away**

**Jinx  
**


	5. Planning tricks and Unplanned Love

**A/N: Hiya! So... Remember last chapter when I said lots happens in this chapter? Well... I lied, but stuff _does_ happen! Just not as much stuff as I'd planned. Also this chapter was originally really long but I halved it and now the other half is chapter 6... this whole chapter is in Matt's view...I think...**

Matt's POV

We sat in our room like any other day (Wammy's only has classes in the morning, in case you were wondering), Mello was studying and I was playing a recently bought game on my DS. Occasionally a conversation would start up about something random and we'd explore the topic until it wore dry.

We were silent for a while after talking about the ups and downs of pogo sticks (no pun intended) but then Mello stopped typing up his essay on well known serial killer cases and turned to me.

"Hey, Matt, we're gonna do something tonight..." I looked over at him, curious.

"What do you mean we're gonna do something?" But before I'd even asked I already knew what he meant. He had that familiar glint in his eyes and he was smiling an evil smile. "No, Mells, not _that_. I thought you'd grown out of pulling those silly pranks. Especially after last time." I pleaded with him but I knew it was no good. Mello had always been impulsive and once he had an idea he never gave up until he acted on it.

"What do you mean 'last time'? It went perfectly last time!"

"Near was in a cast for _6 months_ after last time! How is that perfect?" I shuddered inwardly. I didn't even want to _think_ about last time.

"Pfft, it was his own fault for waking up at the wrong time. Anyway, it's nothing as big as that this time, just a few little ideas I had. And you don't even need to worry about the planning, I have everything ready." I reluctantly listened to what Mello had in mind and all I could think of was: Poor Near. Poor, _poor_ Near.

.oOo.

That night we crept silently towards Near's room at the back of the mansion. Near was one of the only kids at Wammy's who didn't share a room. I'd always thought it was because he was number one, but then again he did have some pretty weird habits that could easily freak people out.

We arrived at Near's door armed with scissors, superglue, barbie heads and doll clothes. Mello opened the door slowly and we crept in, closing the door quietly behind us.

"Alright," Mello whispered, "first things first. Pass the doll heads and clothes, and the superglue." He walked over to the nearest pile of toy robots and, quietly as he could, started snapping their heads off and replacing them with the barbie heads. He then proceeded to superglue the frilliest, pinkest doll clothes he could find to the robots bodies.

"Here, Matt." Mello said, as he handed me the scissors. "You do his hair."

"What? No, Mells, I can't!" Mello rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Fine. _I'll_ do his hair. You take over here." He stood up and snatched the scissors from my hands and directed me to the pile of robots.

"Don't you think it's going a bit too far cutting off his hair?"

"I'm not gonna cut it _all_ off, just enough to look stupid." Mello whispered back at me, as huge chunks of white hair fell on Near's pillow beside his head.

"Right, I'm done. Nearly finished yet Matt?"

"Yeah, almost." I glanced over at Mello and saw him take a black permanent marker from his pocket.

"Wait! Mells!" I whispered furiously. "That wasn't part of the plan!"

"Sorry, I couldn't resist the temptation." Mello replied over his shoulder while he drew obscene pictures on Near's face. In the middle of giving him a unibrow he stopped still.

"Shhh! Don't say a word." he whispered. "I think I hear something." I listened and heard it too and turned to Mello.

"Shit! Footsteps, someone's coming." I said rather pointlessly to Mello.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." replied Mello while he looked around desperately. He spotted the window and ran to it. "Come on, we're gonna have to jump."

"What?! We can't just jump out the window!" I whispered back incredulously.

"Don't be such a chicken, Matt. It's only the second floor." Then he jumped. I looked around hopelessly for another option but the footsteps were getting louder. I gulped and then leapt out the window behind Mello. The air rushed beside me as I fell, but I hardly had time to experience the feeling. I hit the ground and rolled.

It was dark but I could just about see Mello running towards the unused barn. I followed and ran in, and he slid the door shut behind me.

"So what now?" I panted. "Are we just gonna wait here 'till morning?" I was pissed off and I let him know it by my tone.

"No." he replied scornfully. "We'll wait here just until we can be sure that Roger's gone to sleep. Then we can go back to our room."

"You do realise that we left everything in Near's room. The scissors, the glue..." Wammy's was a school for the gifted, I wouldn't be surprised if they had people who could dust for fingerprints.

"Pfft. Near's not gonna tell, he never does." Mello crossed his arms and leaned against the nearest pillar. He arched one of his brows, daring me to continue with the argument. I normally would have left it at that, but Mello's nonchalant attitude pissed me off even more.

"Mello, we really could have gotten caught that time! You should have been more careful with your planning!" I gave him a furious glare that caught him off guard.

"Shut up, Matt! My planning was perfect-"

"NO!" I interrupted."I will _not_ freakin' shut up! You know, Mello, I'm getting sick and tired of you always telling me what to do!" And there I was, ranting. I always rant when I get angry, which isn't very often. "You treat me like your freakin' slave! And I'm _not_, Mello, I'M NOT! I'm not an object! I'm not a toy for you to play with!" I didn't even know where I was getting this. I never really minded Mello treating me like this, but ever since Linda had brought it up, I'd been wanting...more.

"Wait, hang on a sec, Matt. This is that bitch Linda's doing, isn't it? She's been putting ideas in your head, hasn't she?"

What?! This has NOTHING to do with Linda!" I lied. "And what the fuck do you mean by 'putting ideas in my head'? This is purely about you and me!"

"What's that supposed to mean? '_You and me'_?" I turned my back on him and sighed exasperatedly. I felt in my pocket for my cigarettes, I needed calming down and I didn't care if Mello saw.

"Look, Matt. I'm sorry that we almost...got..." He trailed off. "Matt! Are you- are you _smoking_?!" It was quite amazing how he managed to convey his utmost disgust in that one word.

I turned to face him again. I took a defiant puff and blew it in his face, making him cough.

"So what?" I said, making my voice as scornful as possible. "You don't care what I do in my spare time, _remember._" We were silent for a while after that but eventually Mello said:

"How long? How long have you been smoking?" He sounded pretty calm but I was still struggling to keep my voice level.

"I dunno, maybe a few years..." I replied.

"A FEW _YEARS_?!" shouted Mello, not calm anymore."What?! Why? Why would you even do that to yourself?!"

"WHY?" I shouted back. "Jesus _Christ_, Mello! Are you friggin' blind?! Is your head so far up your own ass that you can't see? I mean, it's not like I could ever really keep a secret from you for long. You're supposed to be _smart_ Mello, I would have figured you'd know by _now_! I mean..._Jesus_!"

"What the fuck are you on about, Matt?"

"Bloody hell, Mello! Do you really want to know?! _Really_?! It's because I love you, Mello! I freakin' love you and I have since I freakin' met you!!"

Ah, crap. I didn't know what had made me say it, and now I regretted it. I regretted it even more when I saw the look of pure horror on Mello's face. Horror turned to shock and confusion while he slowly backed away from me. Then he turned and ran out the barn door taking with him the pieces of my bruised, battered and shattered heart.

I took a few small pathetic steps forward, as if to chase after Mello, but then I sank to my knees. Tears in my eyes, I put my head in my hands. I don't know how long I stayed in that position but by the end of it my eyes were red and puffy and my throat was hoarse.

The last thing I wanted was to see Mello, but I knew I couldn't stay out here all night.

**A/N: Hmmmm yes....**

**so anyway, tell me what you thought!!!**

**also I don't know if i've said this already but, tell me if you find any typos or spelling mistakes so I can correct them ^-^**


	6. Confused

**A/N: Hiya everyone! First I'd just like to say that I'm so so sorry for taking so long to update, I could probably come up with a million excuses as to why that is, but I won't bore you with them. I'd love to say that my update's will be more frequent but now that I'm in my second last year of school i really have to do well, so unfortunately my fanfic will be taking second place to that... BUT! don't worry, I won't stop writing this until it's finished, I will promise you that! and if I try go back on my promise then I give you all permission to hit me, hard, on the head...but don't concuss me...  
Anywhooo, because you all might not remember what happened I put the last bit of chapter 5 here in italics:**

_"Look, Matt. I'm sorry that we almost...got..." He trailed off. "Matt! Are you- are you smoking?!" It was quite amazing how he managed to convey his utmost disgust in that one word._

_I turned to face him again. I took a defiant puff and blew it in his face, making him cough._

_"So what?" I said, making my voice as scornful as possible. "You don't care what I do in my spare time, remember." We were silent for a while after that but eventually Mello said:_

_"How long? How long have you been smoking?" He sounded pretty calm but I was still struggling to keep my voice level._

_"I dunno, maybe a few years..." I replied._

_"A FEW YEARS?!" shouted Mello, not calm anymore."What?! Why? Why would you even do that to yourself?!"_

_"WHY?" I shouted back. "Jesus Christ, Mello! Are you friggin' blind?! Is your head so far up your own ass that you can't see? I mean, it's not like I could ever really keep a secret from you for long. You're supposed to be smart Mello, I would have figured you'd know by now! I mean...Jesus!"_

_"What the fuck are you on about, Matt?"_

_"Bloody hell, Mello! Do you really want to know?! Really?! It's because I love you, Mello! I freakin' love you and I have since I freakin' met you!!"_

_Ah, crap. I didn't know what had made me say it, and now I regretted it. I regretted it even more when I saw the look of pure horror on Mello's face. Horror turned to shock and confusion while he slowly backed away from me. Then he turned and ran out the barn door taking with him the pieces of my bruised, battered and shattered heart._

_I took a few small pathetic steps forward, as if to chase after Mello, but then I sank to my knees. Tears in my eyes, I put my head in my hands. I don't know how long I stayed in that position but by the end of it my eyes were red and puffy and my throat was hoarse._

_The last thing I wanted was to see Mello, but I knew I couldn't stay out here all night._

**Chapter 6: Confused**

Mello's POV

I ran. What else could I do? How the hell was I _supposed_ to react? What would you do if you found out your best friend for five years was in love with you?

I kept running until I reached my room and shut the door behind me. I thought about locking it but despite what had happened I didn't want Matt to have to sleep outside. I lay down on my bed, facing away from the door and pretended to be asleep.

Lying this still was killing me, though. I needed to do something, _anything_, just to take my mind off of the current circumstances, but if Matt saw me awake, I knew he'd try and talk about...that.

See? I could hardly even frickin' _say_ it. How could Matt _do_ this to me? We're supposed to be best friends! And then he just drops this...this...bombshell on me! How did he _expect_ me to react?! It's his own damn fault for...for...falling in love? Jesus Christ how had he kept it hidden for so long?

Funny thing is though, I think that's why I freaked out so much. Because I had no idea, it never even crossed my mind. What worries me most is that I don't seem fazed that we're both guys. Does that mean I'm gay? Wait! Does that mean that I like him back?

Oh god, I can't think about this now. But then...when _can_ I think about it?

My hands automatically covered my ears in a vain effort to block the thoughts, but images of Matt's distraught face when he saw my reaction relentlessly forced their way into my mind.

My heart started thumping wildly and I suddenly felt as though someone had punched a hole in my chest. I curled up into a tight ball and clenched my teeth while my brain tortured me with thoughts of Matt.

Eventually I must have fallen asleep because I woke up the next morning feeling extremely disorientated. Memories of last night came rushing back and I suddenly felt extremely nauseous.

I made it to the bathroom just in time but I hadn't eaten since last night so all I could do was wretch into the toilet, nothing coming up but bile.

I crawled helplessly to the sink and used it to pull myself into an upright position. I gulped down as much tap water as I could in one breath.

When I was done, I looked up at the mirror but immediately regretted it. I looked like a cross between L and Near: paler than desert-scorched bone but with huge purple bruise-like shadows under my eyes.

I filled the basin with cold water and splashed my face, hoping to calm the torrent of emotions all vying for control of my heart.

I blushed as I realised that Matt must have seen me running to the bathroom. I opened the door just enough to peek through and saw Matt's empty bed. I sighed with relief, he must have already gone to breakfast. Or maybe he just never came back.

I showered and put on some clean clothes. As I made my way down to breakfast, my stomach started to flutter and I wished I could just run back to my bed, crawl under the covers and never come out. But I refused to be weak.

Although, when I saw the shock of red hair I wished I hadn't been so proud. I couldn't find him at first as he wasn't at our usual table (not that I expected him to be) but then I heard Linda's high pitched giggle and I realised where Matt was sitting.

I almost threw up again when I saw that _bitch_ throw her arms around MY Matt for a hug. But...he wasn't _my_ Matt any more, was he?

My feet seemed to be glued to the floor as I watched Linda console Matt from afar. I definitely wasn't hungry anymore. I didn't think I'd be able to stomach eating anything, not even chocolate, for a while.

I turned to leave but before I could Matt caught my eye, I tried to look away but he held my gaze. Even from far away I could see the pain in his emerald eyes, and I cringed, knowing that I had been the one to cause it.

I finally managed to escape his hold on me and I turned swiftly. I ran until I reached Wammy's gates, deciding to skip class in favor of the long walk to the nearest village.

Matt's POV

I almost didn't go back to my room after what happened but I was grateful for my bed when I did. I lay staring at Mello's sleeping form feeling almost numb. Almost being the operative word. Every time my heart throbbed it sent a painful shudder through my body.

I don't know how many hours I lay listening to Mello's quiet breathing but I do know that I didn't get any sleep that night.

Finally morning came, bringing with it the beautiful sunrise. I watched the sun climb higher for a while, wishing I could go back in time and stop myself from repeating my mistake. When I lost interest in wallowing in self pity I showered and dressed quietly, careful not to wake the sleeping figure in the other bed. I went down to breakfast an hour before I usually did.

I got my pancakes and glanced around the dining hall, contemplating where to sit when I heard Linda call me over to her table.

"Hey, Matt! Over here! Sit here!" Well, why not? Where else have I got to sit?

"What brings you down this early? Usually I feel like a total loner eating breakfast, but I just can't stand sleeping in too late...Jeez Matt, you look awful. Are you ill or something? Speaking of which, where's Mello? Not that I'm complaining or anything, but you guys are normally joined at the hip!"

I immediately regretted sitting next to Linda. I should've known she'd sense something was wrong, women's intuition and all.

"I uh... Well... Me and Mello had a bit of a-"

"Oh, I get it." she interrupted. "Say no more! I understand. You know Matt, it's no secret how I feel about Mello, but I know he's important to you, so if you ever need to talk..."

"Thanks Linda, maybe some other time."

After that Linda just rambled on about nothing much to me. Most people might have found it annoying, but I like to think it was her own way of comforting me; by trying to keep my mind off Mello.

I hadn't noticed how long I had sat there listening to her talk until the room started filling up with people who woke up at a more sane time.

More people joined our table and Linda started talking more to them, once in a while she would try to get me to take part in the conversation, but I was extremely reluctant. I knew the other kids were gasping to know why I wasn't at my usual table, and I hardly felt like giving the gossip-mongers more ammunition.

Linda burst out in a fit of the giggles at someone's crude attempt at a joke but stopped suddenly.

"Uh oh, Matt. Don't look now but..." She trailed off but indicated towards the door with her head.

Now I understood why she'd stopped giggling so abruptly. The sight I saw almost stopped my heart. Mello. Only he looked worse than me. Seriously pale with disheveled hair, his hair is usually _never_ out of place.

I looked down again and Linda attacked me with a death hug. Why do girls always seem to think that hugs will solve all the worlds problems?

"Ah! Linda. Please don't. I can't breath." She released me and I quickly glanced back to where Mello was. He was still standing there, as if rooted to the spot, but with a look of disgust plastered on his face.

I caught his eye and held it. The beat of my heart almost came to a stand still as someone thrust an invisible dagger into it. I couldn't tell how long we stared at each other, but Mello was the one to break it. He turned and ran out of the room.

Mello wasn't in class that morning, though I had a pretty good idea where he'd gone.

In the village nearest to Wammy's there was a little graveyard. At the back of the graveyard there was an archway almost completely covered in vines, you would hardly notice it at first glance. Through it was a small grove.

It was perfectly hidden from the rest of the world, and it was altogether by chance that me and Mello had come across it a couple of years ago. We would often sneak down there after class but Mello rarely, and I mean _rarely_, missed class (Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking, the daredevil of Wammy's being a good little boy and going to class, it surprises me too).

I played with the idea of going down there to talk to him, but I just couldn't seem to pluck up the courage. That was me alright; "Scaredy-Cat Matt". Before I'd met Mello I'd always kept to myself, but then something about that blonde haired boy had made me want to open up. Now that he was gone, I have to admit I was a little worried that I would clam up again.

Linda came to sit next to me in class, which I wasn't sure that I was happy about. On the one hand her constant whispering kept my mind off of a certain blonde boy, but then again now that I couldn't copy all of Mello's notes, I felt I should pay at least a little attention during lessons.

As soon as class ended I rushed up to my room, hoping to catch a glimpse of blonde hair. I had to talk to him, even if it was just to hear him reject me again. I wasn't sure that my heart could take it, but I just needed to hear his voice. No such luck though.

As I lay on my bed, I realised I had no idea what I _would_ say to him if I got the chance. I think I'd just ask for him back, for him to forget what I'd said, any kind of relationship would do now that I know there's absolutely no chance of anything more. I sighed, but would it really be enough?

Mello's POV

I sat on the tree trunk in the secret hideout me and Matt had discovered a few years ago. My heart had finally started beating at a normal pace, I don't even know why I came here... I sighed and ran my hands over my face and through my long hair. Oh God, Matt, why did you have to tell me? Why couldn't you have just kept it in?

I've been sitting here for about three hours now, and it's given me more than enough time to think about things I'd rather not think about. Things that are really freaking me out, things that are starting to make me question myself. Things like...What Matt's lips would feel and taste like... I can't help it! One minute I'm thinking (or at least trying to think) about something perfectly normal and the next all this weird shitty crap comes into my mind, And I can't STAND IT! I... I just can't handle it.

Sure, whatever. Call me a homophobe, I couldn't care less! I mean, it's _normal_ for a guy to be freaked out when this sorta stuff happens...

Screw not eating. I need some fucking chocolate, and I need it now.

.oOo.

I walked through the corridors of Wammy's without my usual strut, heading to my room. All I wanted was to fill a bag with chocolate and spend the rest of the day playing hooky down in the village. Unfortunately, a certain female who went by the name of Linda had decided she wanted to make my life a living hell.

"And where do you think you're going, Mello?" she asked. Fucking hen-mother wannabe.

"None of your fucking business. Fucking whore." I retaliated and shoved passed her, turning the corner and starting up the stair. She followed.

"You don't want to go up there. Matt's up there." I froze, only for a split second but she noticed anyway and continued. "I don't know what you did to him, Mello, but you'd better apologise. I've never seen Matt so.." she paused while searching for the right word. "So heartbroken." This time I actually turned to face her, my anger rising.

"What _I_ did? How do you know if it wasn't something _he_ did?!"

"Oh puh-lease, Mello. Matt is the nicest guy alive. Not that you'd know anything about being nice. The only crime Matt's ever committed was to become your friend."

Not interested in any more of her trash talk, I turned my back on her and continued towards my room.

Matt's POV

I could hear Linda's screeching even with my earphones on, and although I couldn't hear what she was saying, Linda only spoke (or rather screamed) like that to one person. It'd been a nightmare trying to get rid of her and her constant questions, she'd finally left when I told her I needed some sleep.

I switched my iPod off and waited for Mello to walk in. When he did he didn't even glance at me, going straight for his chocolate drawer and filling a bag with the bars. I sat there gaping at him for a while, my mouth opening and closing like a fish. He was about to leave again when I finally plucked up the courage to say something.

"Wait! Mells, please, can't we just talk?" He stopped and turned to me, I was expecting a glare but the look I got seriously confused me. Sad and regretful, it was only for a split second though, and soon his usual angry mask was replaced. He turned back to the door and walked out, leaving me sitting there, even more frustrated than before.

**A/N: Soooo, tell me what you thought?**

**Um also if you guys have any requests or maybe something you'd like to see happen, then I'll see what I can do, oh and also, I'm still not sure whether I want this story to end happily or depressingly, so I'm gonna put it to vote. It might not happen the way the majority wants it to, it's so I can start to think up some ideas...**

**The only other thing I wanted to say is that I don't have my beta reader anymore (he's gone to college *sniff sniff*) so if you spot any grammar or spelling mistakes, no matter how trivial, pleeeaaase tell me so I can fix them!**

**Until next time then :3**

**Jinx xox**


	7. Gone

**A/N: Soooooo, I guess it's been a while, sorry 'bout that, but... shit happened. Anyway this is the last chapter of this series, but I can't really end it here, so there's definitely gonna be a sequel, but I'm not sure when it will be out...**

**Anyhooo, I'm not really sure about some parts of this chapter, but I had o put it out now, 'cause otherwise I would never do it... so enjoy.**

**Chapter 7: Gone**

Mello's POV

Three months. Three months of utter torture. Three months of barely saying two words to Matt, or anyone else for that matter. I'd kept to myself, barely eating, and spending all my time either studying or hanging around in the village near Wammy's. I hardly even bothered with Near for all that time (emphasis on the _'hardly'_, of course I still hated him and would beat him to a pulp every chance I got, I just did it more discreetly now...). The teachers and students alike noticed my obvious change in behavior. Every kid in Wammy's knew it was because of Matt, though I doubted they knew the details. I couldn't say the same for the teachers, who didn't know anything. They just left me alone, clearly afraid that I would change back to my demonic self at any provocation.

Matt had tried a countless number of times to talk to me, but every time he did I had either ignored him or walked away. And I regretted it more each time I shut him out. I wished I could have had the courage to talk to him, to tell him how I felt. Because, yes, three months pretty much alone gave me more than enough time to think, and... I loved him. But I had only just come to terms with it and I was still having a hard time. I didn't want to think that I needed him just as much as he needed me, I hated feeling so dependent on something that I could no longer lay any claim to.

I was sitting on my bed, alone in the room, trying to study, but my mind drifted to other things so frequently that I had all but abandoned my hopeless quest for knowledge.

I was bored of the monotonous existence that my life had become. At least when I had Matt we would try our hardest to break the flow of things at Wammy's. Either by torturing the teachers with our ill-conceived antics, or by constantly finding new ways to break the rules.

Now each day was pretty much the same; wake up, avoid Matt, go to classes, avoid Matt, skip out on lunch and head to the nearest village (a good way of avoiding Matt), study, sleep, rinse and repeat. The only differences I had were that occasionally instead of going into the village I would stay in my room (but only if Matt wasn't there).

I felt increasingly pathetic and even though I managed to stay from that certain red-head, Linda still somehow managed to sink her sharp, hooked claws into me. She had taken it upon herself to become Matt's personal caretaker, constantly harassing me whenever she could. Of course I would still shout back whenever she tried to insult me, but my heart was never fully in it.

.oOo.

I was sitting silently in class, at the very back like always, furiously working at the quadratic equations written on the board in front of me, desperately trying to finish them before Near. There was a knock on the door and one of the various helper nannies that worked at Wammy's poked her head in.

"Em, excuse me." she said, in a heavy cockney accent. "Mr. Roger wants to see Mello and Near in his office. Now."

"Very well, Mello, Near, off you go, you can finish when you return." The teacher shooed us out of the classroom and we followed the nannie to the old pedos office. I knew nothing he could say would interest me, he probably just wanted to have one of those "talks" about my behaviour. I thought back, but couldn't remember anything out of the ordinary that I'd done, apart from the usual that is. Roger had already noticed my change in attitude and had told me he was "proud" to see that I was finally maturing. Hah, that's a laugh and a half, he could just go and fuck himself.

I barged in unannounced, just to annoy Roger and glared at him until he started talking. That sheep freak crawled in slowly behind me and began putting together a completely white puzzle, rhythmically snapping the pieces into place. I hadn't even been here five minutes and already that fucking pyjama boy was pissing me off.

_Snap. Snap._

"Mello, Near..." He didn't continue for a while, so I decided to prompt him. The sooner I got out of Near's proximity, the better.

_Snap. Snap._

"What is it, Roger?"

_Snap. Snap._

His head rested silently on his intertwined hands for a few moments longer before he answered.

_Snap. Snap._

"L is...dead."

_Snap._

My mind went completely blank for a second, and then suddenly everything went into overdrive. Dead? How could he be dead? L was my dream, my one goal in life. Every child in Wammy's dreamed of L, they all aspired to be him, some even went crazy from the pressure of trying to succeed him. How could something – someone – like that die?

My eyes flitted to the white monstrosity kneeling beside me. His face was as impassive as ever, as if he'd just been told Wammy's was getting new wallpaper, instead of learning that the Saviour had died. You'd think that little bastard would show at least a small amount of remorse.

My thoughts moved on to another frightening thought: _how_ had L died? I tried to think back, what case had L been working on most recently? The Kira case, it was the only one big and strange enough to interest him. A heart attack then. I felt jilted that something so mundane could kill L, no matter how different the circumstances were. But I had to be sure.

"It was Kira wasn't it? He said he would see Kira dead." My voice came out shamefully high-pitched and strained, and I couldn't decide if it was from anger, shock or sorrow.

"It was most likely Kira. Yes." My fists were clenched and I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood.

"He lost to Kira. He was nothing but a loser." The sound of Near's voice shocked me, and it brought up another painful subject. I almost couldn't ask, but I had to.

"W-who did he pick? Which of us did L..."

"He didn't, Mello. And now it's too late... But how would you two like to work together?" Work together? Work..._together?_ _Work together?_ No matter how many times I said it to myself it still sounded ridiculous. Working with that...that emotionless white _freak_ would be physically impossible!

"Yes, that sounds fine." _WHAT? _How could that possibly sound fine? He didn't even look up as he said it. He can't under any circumstances want to work with me, can he? NO! Even if he does, I refuse! I refuse to work with that underhanded little sneak! How could L do this to me?

I took a couple of deep breaths to calm myself before I spoke.

"That's impossible, Roger. Near and I never have and never will be able to work together. I don't care, Near can be L's successor. Unlike me, he'll solve the puzzle without his nonexistent emotions getting in the way."

"Mello-"

"I'm leaving now, I'm old enough to take care of myself. I'll live life _my own way_." I turned my back on them and walked out, slamming the door as I went. I knew it was rash, but what else could I do? I couldn't stay in the orphanage and watch as Near got to live out my dreams. No, I'd pack my bags and find my own way to avenge L's death.

I headed towards my room, I only had one other thing I had to do.

Matt's POV

I woke up slowly and turned to face Mello's bed. I knew it would be empty, but I always checked, just in case Mello had decided for once to sleep in, instead of waking up as early as possible merely to avoid me.

I gradually got out of bed and did all the usual morning things. I only noticed something was wrong as I was about to get dressed. Why was Mello's bed made? His philosophy was always "What's the point in making a bed that's just gonna get un-made? I hurried to his desk and opened the drawer that kept his never ending supply of chocolate. Empty. His clothes were gone, along with his toothbrush and everything else he owned.

I didn't think as I ran down the stairs to Roger's office, still in my pajamas. I burst through the doors shouting.

"_WHERE IS HE?_ WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO WITH HIM?" Roger looked up from his paperwork, startled.

"Matthew, what ever is the matter?"

"_Mello! Where the fuck is Mello?!_" He put down his pen slowly and sighed"

"Ah, I see. Why don't you take a seat while I explains things to you?"

"I don't want to take a fucking seat, I want you to tell me what you've done with Mello!" He pursed his lips at my colourful use of the english language, but continued anyway.

"I would have thought he'd have told you, I know how close you two are. No? Well, then, this may be a little difficult to hear but, Mello has left us." My brain couldn't quite process the notion of there not being any more Mello. My hands relaxed, leaving little half-moon marks from my nails digging into my palms and my head drooped, my anger almost completely spent. Silence filled the room, filled only by the pitter patter of english rain.

"What do you mean left? Where did he go? Why?" I continued in a whisper.

"He refused to succeed L with Near and cooperate, so he decided to live on his own. He did not tell me where he was going."

"L? L is...dead?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so-" I didn't hear the rest of his sentence as I ran full pelt out of the room. I pushed open the huge front door of Wammy's and hurried out into the courtyard. The gravel cut open my bare feet but I didn't stop until I'd reached the gates. I sank to my knees and howled, my tears mingling with the rain that was pouring down. Goddamn you L, you took away my Mello. Mello is gone because of L.

I grasped the iron grill of the barrier and pulled myself up. Stumbling back up to my room, I just stood in the doorway for about ten minutes, dripping rain water onto the carpet. Then I walked to my bed and flopped down.

.oOo.

A week later and I was forced to remain in my room, for fear of spreading the flu I had caught to the other orphans. How ironic that I should be left to stir in my own depressingly melancholic thoughts. I had twice considered killing myself, but those thoughts were only brought on by self-pity. The kind where you contemplated taking a long walk off a short plank just to see if anyone would really care, I quickly pushed the idea out of my mind, scolding myself for being so self absorbed.

Linda had come round a few times to see how I was doing, and to try and clean up a bit, but I hadn't let her. My floor was covered in junk food wrappers, dirty clothes and even a few cigarette butts. The stench of smoke mingling with my own sweat hung thick and heavy in the air, and the fact that I was filthy only added to the disgust that I felt with myself. Yet I was either too weak or too dismal to shower.

A few days later and I finally set foot in my bathroom. My fever had gone down, and the hot water helped the ache my back from lying in bed too long. I came out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist, but I realised as I looked around the room, that if I sat anywhere i would instantly by dirty again.

Right. Time to get out of this gloomy rut and sort myself out. I had never been one to dwell, and I wasn't about to start now. The first thing I did was open the window, even though the air was fairly chilly. I got rid of all the trash first, then the dirty laundry, after that I put on some clean clothes and started cleaning more thoroughly. I had never been much of a neat-freak, but now I found it helped clear my head a little. I got down on my hands and knees to check for anything under the bed, before I vacuumed there. Strange, I didn't remember losing anything that I'd written recently, what was that piece of paper doing under my bed?

Reaching under, I pulled out the neatly folded A4 sheet. There didn't seem to be much written on it, so I didn't think I had found anything interesting, maybe a cheat to a game I'd wanted to remember, but when I read what was on it all my breath left me.

I must have sat there for at least half an hour before anything properly registered. And only a few days later I realised what it really meant, because there, on that single most important piece of paper in my life were written two words, in Mello's neat, girlish scrawl.

_I'm sorry._

_**A/N: The End!!!**_

_**Sort of... I hope you enjoyed it.**_

_**I **__might_ take a break for a while, but there will be a sequel, so look out for it...


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